Telling Merit; The Burn-guilt script

It was the same dream every single time. I am in the river, paddling away from some danger I do not see. you are holding onto me. The canoe is sinking now...I am struggling to carry you above the water and struggling to get off the boat with you...your back is caught onto something in the water...you are screaming, I am screaming...and I wake up drenched in sweat. 
My Merit is in trouble I am thinking, I would pray in a trembling voice and call. She is fine. she just ate. Are you writing your coursework well? Concentrate eh? Don't worry about her, you father will tell me.
Today, he asks me if I was sitting down. I am. Remember those dreams? I do. You know, she is very active, our Merit. She ran into the kitchen weeks back, hit a pot with hot water in it. It spilled on her feet. The scar is almost gone now. She is fine. I couldn't tell or show you then, you would have done something irrational.
I asked to see a photo of your feet and did.
This image will haunt me forever now.
I did this to my child.
I am so sorry Merit.
I should have been there, guiding you away. I am sorry I let you down for a whole year.

Now, if I ever get the opportunity to give any advice to a young mother who needs to choose between studying in a different continent without her infant with her and possibly postponing it for a couple more years, I would probably advise her against doing what I did.
You will never concentrate at anything for more than a few seconds.
you will be depressed half the time.
There are few things worse than the feeling you will ever get when something bad happens to your child while you are away. Scratch that, there is NOTHING worse than that feeling.

When you grow up enough to understand, we will talk about Aberdeen, Merit. I will try hard to explain how I came to study in a different continent, away from you for that much time. 
I love you, my Merit. I love you very much.

17/8/2014